She Took Advantage of Me
by patricia51
Summary: Barney can't believe it. A woman lied to him and took advantage of him. That's not how it's supposed to work. Humor. Planned Two parter.
1. Chapter 1

She Took Advantage of Me by patricia51

(Barney can't believe it. A woman lied to him and took advantage of him. That's not how it's supposed to work. Humor.)

Seated in their usual booth at MacLren's Ted, Robin, Lily and Marshall were having an intense spirited discussion about something they instantly forgot the moment that Barney Stinson reeled through the doorway. The quartet stared at their friend.

"Good Lord, his tie is askew."

"He doesn't look like he finished shaving."

"His shirt is untucked on one side."

But it was Lily who spotted the crowning, terrible item that made them all realize just how bad a shape their friend was in.

"His shoes and belt don't match," she whispered in shock.

"Oh my God."

Up close Barney's face looked as unkempt and drawn as his clothes. He all but collapsed into the booth. The moment a drink was brought to him he tossed it down in one long swallow.

The others waited as long as they could. Realizing the moody man was going to do no more than study his empty glass Lily broke the silence.

"Barney. What's wrong?"

The object of her question looked up and sighed. "Is it that obvious?"

"Well," replied Robin diplomatically, "to those of us who know you it's pretty obvious that you are upset about something."

"Last night," Barney said. "It was last night.

"What happened?" burst out Ted.

(Last Night)

"I just can't talk about it. You understand. The memories are too painful. So many good men were lost that day." Barney struck a pose that combined stoic heroism with great loss that he could just barely hold in. "Pretty good," he thought as he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

"Oh you poor man," cooed the blonde clinging to his arm.

A chorus of female voices agreed with her. Barney felt like he was in a sea of blondes, brunettes and red-headed bimbos. Women rather. Oh heck, they WERE bimbos, his favorite species of women.

Ever since he had seen "Wedding Crashers" he had thought about using the "strong but vulnerable combat vet" as a set-up. He had been a little unsure at first because his only experience in uniform had been a short couple of weeks as a Boy Scout, terminated by his discovery that there was not only no merit badge in "Girls" but that the organization positively discouraged sex. But then again neither of the leads in that movie had any military experience other than maybe one other movie and THEY pulled it off. So he did research, watching a couple of movies and a special on the History Channel (how could an entire TV channel be so boring?) and counted on his flair for improvisation to take care of the rest.

It certainly was working but somehow he was feeling a bit empty. This was just too easy. Then he saw the woman at the bar and he brightened up. That was it. There was something about her that was calling to him and it wasn't just her steady gaze that seemed to be drawing him in. So he made his way over to her. He dashed a tear from his eye as he reached the bar. Before he could speak the black-haired (with green eyed too! God really did love him!) handed him a drink.

"You need this."

"I do," he replied with just the right amount of sadness and resolve while he looked over his target.

Boobs were too small, that was for sure. He was not fixated on just them he told himself righteously but something about D or larger ones just made him hungry even if he didn't plan to use them for anything else but to pillow his weary head after. The woman's weren't any more than B, practically not worth it. But she DID have great legs that she was showing off with crossed legs under a short skirt and appeared to have a deliciously tight ass. And then there were those green eyes. Well, he thought nobly, you can't always have everything.

He gave her his name, well, a name anyway and she gave him hers which he fixed in his very short term memory so he could forget it tomorrow. Although she was interested she wasn't falling all over him. Yet anyway, he did appreciate a challenge. She said something about being a legal secretary and her firm, capped off with the information written on a card. He slipped it in his pocket to be discarded later and turned on the charm and the angst.

When the timing was right he pressed his advantage and they were out the door. She DID have a lovely ass he decided to go with those legs. Must work out a lot. He hoped she wouldn't squeeze TOO hard when she had them wrapped around him.

The moment they came through the apartment door Barney kissed her and she melted against him. Swiftly and deftly he stripped her, leaving a trail of her clothes mingled with his on the way to the bedroom. Not a word was spoken as they fell into bed together except for low gasps and loud moans that lasted until the early hours of the morning.

(Present)

When Barney had finished his story Ted was the first to speak up.

"So exactly what is the problem then?"

"Oh that part was fine. It was what I found when I woke up."

"What?"

"Nothing. She was gone. Completely. No trace of her."

"And that's bad?"

"Of course it's bad. She didn't wake me to proclaim her everlasting devotion or to ask when she would see me again. There weren't any notes reminding me of her phone number or address nor did she leave me the key to her apartment."

"But didn't that save you having to dump her?"

Barney plowed on as though Robin hadn't spoken a word. "And the very worst thing of all, on the floor beside the trashcan I found the note I had slipped her at the bar with my phone number on it."

"You gave her your phone number?"

"Not the real number Marshall. Get a grip."

"Of course."

"So I called her. The number she gave me doesn't exist. I checked with her workplace. They had never heard of her. I described her and they said no one who worked there looked like her. So of course I went down there and searched through their office. I'm pretty sure I checked everyone out even though I had to run through the last few cubicles since they had called the police."

"Why are you looking for this woman Barney? Usually what you are doing is finding ways to stay off their radar until they lose the trail."

"I have to find her Robin."

"Why?"

"Because I have to know why she lied to me. She just took advanatge of me as though I was nothing more than a sex toy to use and then discard."

None of the group could find the words to point out that was exactly how Barney felt about most of his conquests but his honest bewilderment stopped them. As they struggled to come up with something, anything, to say Barney jumped to his feet.

"I've been looking all day for her."

"Did you try the club where you picked her up?"

"It wasn't open this morning."

"Wouldn't it be by now?" asked Marshall.

Barney bounded to his feet. "Of course!. I have to find her."

With that he rushed out the door.

(I was going to leave this open-ended at first so everyone could come up with their own idea as to whom the mystery woman was but I actually had someone in mind, an OC from another story so I'm going to let him find her in the second, and concluding, chapter.)


	2. Chapter 2

She Took Advantage of Me, Part 2 by patricia51

(Barney hunts for the one night stand woman who used and left him.)

The bar he had visited last night was rather sparsely populated but Barney thought he saw a couple of faces he vaguely recalled. Most important of all though he saw that the same bartender who had waited on him last night was present. He made a beeline to him.

A look of vague recognition came over the man's face when Barney skidded to a stop in front of him.

"Hey pal. Whadda ya have?"

"Last night I left with a black-haired woman," Barney started.

"Yeah I remember her you lucky dog. She was a cute one. Nice legs. I remember her saying something about being a runner."

"Do you remember anything else? Is she a regular by chance?"

"Sorry, I had never seen her before last night." The bartender shrugged. "We chatted a little before the place filled up. Nothing special, just idle talk to pass the time. I know she wasn't from New York; she's just passing through."

"Passing through? From where?"

"Dunno."

"Think." A twenty was slid across the bar to jog his memory.

"She was a Southerner," the man reflected. "Her accent wasn't strong but it was there. She mentioned North Carolina but she sounded more like Georgia. Maybe working in Carolina or going to work there. She did say something about just getting back to the US so she may have been living abroad somewhere. She had been here for a couple of hours before you approached her and she had shaken off a couple of guys who had hit on her. I did say something about her being picky but she replied she was looking for someone in a particular category. I guess that was you."

"What category was that?"

"No idea." Barney reached for his wallet again. The bartender waved him off. "I'm not holding back for more money. I seriously have no idea."

"Did she come in with anybody?"

"Nope, she was solo. She did talk to a few of the regular girls though, just in passing. I think several of them were in the crowd that surrounded you to begin with. In fact," he nodded towards the door, "there's a couple of them now."

The faces tended to blur together but Barney vaguely recognized the pair of blondes. He went over to them.

"Hey Barney," one of the pair said brightly. Great, they knew him. But that might be an advantage as he was pretty sure he had never slept with either one of them so maybe he could ask questions and not get slapped.

To his astonishment before he could bring up the subject of last night one of the blondes did it for him.

"So did you have a good time last night Barney?" Without waiting for an answer she went on. "I bet you did. I haven't seen anyone that horny in ages and based on what we all know about you we figured you could give her exactly what she was looking for."

"What was that?"

Surprised, the second blonde took over. "A good looking guy who could show her an awesome time in bed and then forget about her after it was over."

"Why would you think of me?" Barney asked in confusion.

The first blonde, whose name was Heather or Juliet or Dawn or something like that he recalled looked even more confused than he felt. "But isn't that you Barney? You're handsome, all reports that go around say you're an excellent lover and in the cold light of the morning after you disappear never to call again. Everyone knows that."

"Everyone?"

"Sure." Now both girls looked puzzled at his surprise. "So what's up?"

"I need to find her."

"Her?"

"The girl from last night. She said her name was," he fished the business card she had given him out of his pocket and read off the name, "but that's not her real name."

The first blonde erupted in laughter. "So what? Barney we heard you introduce yourself to her and that name you gave didn't sound anything like Barney Stinson."

Barney bit back an annoyed remark since he needed the blondes' help. Why did everyone seem to find it amusing that somehow how he usually acted had anything to do with the fact that she had deceived HIM? Oh well. Bimbos. He put on a winning smile and went on in his most reasonable and winning tones.

"Well yes but you see something has come up and I really need to find her." Barney was superb at improvisation and now he brought his talents online. "She forgot something. Something important."

"Her plane ticket?" One blonde asked anxiously. She looked at her watch. "She was supposed to be leaving for North Carolina in a few hours."

It wouldn't work to say yes to that, Barney reasoned. That would have flight number and times on it, exactly what he needed.

"Her ID Card?"

"That's it!" he announced. He couldn't ask for her real name now, he reasoned, but if he could get the flight he could get to the airport and catch her before she left. He hadn't forgotten what she looked like after all.

Then he went nearly crazy as in true blonde fashion the pair not only argued with each other but called at least three other girls and argued with them. But they finally came to a consensus and furnished him not only with the flight number and times but of the blondes mentioned the woman's first name, apparently her real one. Why she would tell it to these girls and not to him rather baffled him but he could think about that another day. In the meantime he needed a cab.

He arrived at the airport, paid the driver and bolted inside. He checked the boards and headed for the security area, hoping she had not already arrived and passed through since without a ticket of his own he could only go so far. The idea of getting a ticket on the same flight crossed his mind since it would let him go to the gate but he didn't want to leave here. So he waited, wondering one more time why this was so important that he would waste time like he was doing. He dismissed the thought because there she was!

For a moment he hesitated, something he never did. Really, why WAS he so determined to find out more about this woman and why she acted, well, like him? He shook his head. Not important. He stepped out from the crowd as she approached.

"Hello Amanda."

Instead of being surprised or startled she simply stopped and fixed him with a look of, well, he wasn't sure what. She shook her head.

"Barney, what in the hell are you doing here?"

"I needed to see you."

"For goodness sake why?"

"I need an explanation." And he did. Somehow it was really important to find out why she had acted as she had.

"About what?"

"Why you lied to me."

He had to confess it, to himself anyway. He expected embarrassment or pretended outrage or any of the usual reactions by someone getting caught like he had caught her. What he didn't expect was that she would burst into laughter. Amazed he waited while she regained control of herself.

"Oh Barney you have just made this a nearly perfect weekend. Please. You came up to me with a fake name and a hilariously fake story about combat. You slipped the cabbie a note as we got in. I'll bet dollars to doughnuts it was your real address because we never went anywhere near the one you announced to the driver. And later you made sure to give me your card complete with fake name and fake phone number."

"The thing was is that I knew you would do that. I had been specifically looking for exactly someone like you Barney. A love-em-and-leave guy. Someone who would do his best to make sure no strings were attached. I wanted the same thing. And since you were lying to me and I was lying to you it should have ended last night. So why in the world are you here?"

For a moment Barney went off on a tangent.

"What did you mean when you said "hilariously fake story about combat'?"

"I mean Barney that you need to work on that part of your playbook."

"What was wrong with it?" he asked, not even bothering to deny what she was saying.

"Barney everything you used came right out of old war movies. Unfortunately they're all old World War Two movies. Sweetie I just got back from fifteen months in Afghanistan, my second tour by the way."

"You're in the Army?"

"I shouldn't do this but here," she pulled a black wallet out of her purse and flipped it open to show him an ID Card marked "Armed Forces of the United States" that identified one Amanda MacKenzie as a Captain in the US Army. "I'm a junior officer so I don't date, much less sleep with enlisted men or senior officers. That leaves other junior officers and when you take out the ones that are married or otherwise unappealing to me I spent all those months letting my fingers do the walking."

"Oh," was all Barney could think of to say.

"So I took some time and came to New York before settling back into the routine at Fort Bragg. I saw Broadway, visited tourist attractions and as a happy finale I hit a popular bar and looked around for someone to break that fifteen month drought. Several women suggested you and son-of-a-gun if it didn't happen. And it was as good as I hoped. Until now. One more time. Barney, why in the world are you here?"

"Because this isn't the way it's supposed to end," he burst out.

"Oh my GOD!" Her eyes widened. "That's what this is all about isn't it? It's not the sex, although I bet that's a great by product. It's the satisfaction when you watch the catch of the night head out the door the next morning. Once more you have proved that you are smarter, more devilishly clever and all around the superior form of life. You've won once again."

She went on without giving him a chance to respond. "I thought it was a game last night when you came on to me. So I played along. I didn't realize that you were playing to win, that you have to win. And that's why you are here because I wasn't even trying, just going with the flow and I did it as well or better than you did."

"Did not!" Barney roared.

The people around them who had been studiously ignoring the pair began to stand up and gather their carryon luggage. Amanda stood up as well.

"That's my plane. Barney, it doesn't matter to me. Besides, in a week you'll convince yourself that this is how you planned it all along." She kissed him on the cheek. "Take care and thanks for a great night." She walked to the boarding ramp and disappeared without looking back even when he called out to her.

"I knew it! I knew it all the time!"

He left the terminal building, hailing a cab to take him home. The entire ride he thought about it. He shook his head.

"I still don't understand why she lied to me."

(The End)

(Note: I love Barney but he does drive me crazy sometime. Amanda is an OC who has appeared in a couple of my Big Bang Theory stories. Based on a real life friend I figured she'd be a match for him.)


End file.
